The MetaCars Week In Review

[Editor’s note: TTAC prides itself on covering the most compelling stories in the automotive world, connecting the biggest trends, and exploring the most momentous decisions. We endlessly pore over the ceaseless stream of automotive news and data, and bring the most significant and momentous stories to these pages for your enlightenment and debate. But sometimes we just plain need a break from all the seriousness. Luckily, former TTACer Justin Berkowitz has the perfect palate-cleanser after a long week of news and analysis. His site, Metacars.com, publishes some of the best auto humor on the web, and we’ve asked him to compile a weekly digest of the funniest car news that never happened over the previous seven days. Unlike AutoWeek, the MetaCars Week In Review will actually be published every week, and unlike Jalopnik it will actually be funny. We hope you enjoy it.]

The man responsible for leaking information on the new 2011 Ford Mustang has been transferred from Ford Intelligence to a secret prison facility in Kazakhstan, according to insiders at the CIA.

Details about Ford’s updated 2011 model leaked within the past two weeks as journalists broke embargoes on the details of the new V8 engine in particular, which is rated at a disappointing and class-trailing 390 lb-ft of torque.

TTAC’s Volt Birthwatch Series Accidentally Prompts 36,000 Volt Pre-Orders

The popular “Volt Birthwatch” series on TheTruthAboutCars.com has prompted some 36,000 pre-orders, according to a spokesperson for General Motors’ Division of Pre-Ordering and Dealer Markups. “After reading 180 chronicles of the Volt’s development, I guess TTAC’s own readers flipped on them.”

TTAC Editor in Chief Edward Niedermeyer has demanded a commission for the sales.

General Motors To Make Buick a Sporty Youth Brand, Lutz Calls it “American BMW.”

According to recent posts on General Motors’ corporate Twitster page, Buick will become a performance-focused brand with rear wheel drive vehicles and manual transmissions.

“This is a bold decision. For the first time ever, we will take on BMW,” said branding guru Bob Lutz. “We’re going to develop a rear wheel drive roadster to fight the Z4 and a RWD sedan based on our successful Holden Commodore to take on the BMW 5-Series.”

The goal is to get the sales numbers up to about 300,000 sales per year, approximately three times what they are now.

MetaCars Speaks with BMW’s Lead Designer on X6, 5-Series GT Projects

MetaCars: What inspired you to pen the X6 and 5-Series GT?

Hans Schroeder: Like many car designers, I look for beauty in nature. For example, Ian Callum styled the XK8 on actress Kate Winslet’s curvy figure.

MC: And what about the X6 and 5-Series GT?

HS: Those are pleasing shapes in general. A lot of inspiration came from [actress and singer] Jennifer Lopez.

MC: Well thanks for sitting down with us!

HS: I’m always happy to sit down.

Blog Reader Scrolls Past That Story About Toyota and the Floormats

A Cortland, NY man has scrolled past several blog posts about that thing with Toyota and floormats, according to reports.

Tim Scott told MetaCars “These posts keep coming about it on several of the car blogs I read. But I admit I’ve never actually stopped to read the story. I’m just interested in the stuff on the new Mustang, like the horsepower and what it’s going to cost.”

Scott may have a point — according to statistics from the mainstream CarsRulez blog, as many as 100% of readers may be skipping posts about Toyota and recalled floormats.

“Really,” Scott told us, “I just don’t give a shit. If I wanted that serious stuff I’d read the Wall Street Journal”

GM: “We swear to God, we’re selling Saab this week or shutting it down. For real this time, trust us.”

General Motors claims that this week is definitely, seriously the week it will make a decision about Saab’s fate. And they swear to God about it. “I know we set some deadlines in the past about selling or shuttering Saab. But now we mean it. This time you can trust us,” said a GM spokesman.

The brand’s fate has been in flux since it had a bad sales year in 1959, and hasn’t been profitable for the past 6 or 7 or 50 years or so.

GM has entertained offers from sports car manufacturers Koenigsegg and Spyker but is looking for a buyer who doesn’t have such enormous sales volumes, with 20 and 23 cars per year respectively.

In a move anticipated by industry analysts for several months, Ford Motor Company has announced that the Lincoln brand name will change to MKL. The announcement was made at the LA Auto Show by Ford of the Americas President Mark Fields. who is concurrently changing his own name to MKF.

“The Mark series cars were always the most successful, interesting Lincolns. As a contrast, Lincolns with real names have negative customer associations: Towncars are just big taxis. The Navigator hasn’t been cool since the Escalade came out. The Continental was once popular, but then Kennedy got shot in one,” MKF explained.

Most recently, Lincoln has renamed virtually all of its models MK-something. The Zephyr became the MKZ, the Aviator became the MKX, the Blackwood became the Mark LT, and the Ford Taurus became the MKS.

Catch the most accurate (if not technically true) coverage of the world of internet car news at MetaCars.com.