Editorial: General Motors Zombie Watch 3: Dealer or No Dealer?

General Motors is at war with itself. Thanks to a staggering, though not unexpected, lack of decisiveness, GM’s management has managed to completely alienate its major, public-facing “stakeholder”: GM dealers. Without the guys on the sharp end moving the metal, General Motors might as well declare bankruptcy and surrender the keys to the executive washroom to a 25-member federal quango led by Washington insiders with no manufacturing experience whatsoever. Oh, wait. In fact, GM needs its dealers even more now that it’s a zombie than before, when it was also a zombie (but didn’t know it). And of all the items of GM CEO Fritz Henderson “to do” list, not throwing GM’s entire US dealer network into chaos should have been somewhere near the top. I want to say something about a “race to the bottom,” but I’ll let you connect those dots.

Last week, GM CEO Fritz Henderson faced a Spanish Inquisition from the company’s paymasters. Senator Rockefeller wanted GM’s former CFO to explain his rationale for cutting over 2000 dealers from the roster. Fair enough, right? If you’re going to unleash a political shitstorm by shit-canning a large, politically-connected, highly litigious, battle-tested, lyin’, cheatin’, boozing, whoring, testosterone-fueled group of GM “customers” (the dealers are the ones who actually buy the cars from GM), then you want to make sure you have your proverbial ducks in a row.

Oops! Fritz forgot his Ross Perot-ian “We’re In Deep Shit for Dummies” charts back at Days Inn. Or did he leave them on the plane? Rick friggin’ Wagoner just HAD to fly to D.C. in the Gulfstream to beg for bailout bucks, the bastard. Senator Rockefeller also wanted an actual list of dealers culled. Damn! I must be wearing a different jacket! Anyone remember the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark, where Indy casually shoots the scimitar flailing baddie? GM’s the dope with the flashing steel.

THIS is how the new, “smarter” GM rolls? It gets worse. On the same day that Henderson failed to defend the company’s decision to downsize its dealer network, Fritz granted eleven axed dealers a reprieve—without revealing the exact methodology used to separate the wheat from the chaff. Yeah, that’s a good idea: play favorites. That’ll REALLY piss off the disappeared. And if that didn’t do it–which it did—GM’s crafted a new state-trumping franchise agreement for their remaining dealers that makes slavery seem like an oral contract.

According to Automotive News, New GM’s New Deal with its new dealers puts the “con” into “draconian.” To remain a part of “the family,” all GM stores must agree—in writing—to increase sales by 10 percent (maybe twenty), carry larger inventories, eliminate non-GM brands from their showrooms, upgrade dealerships, maintain high customer satisfaction scores and STFU if a new GM store locates more than six miles away from their dealership.

In other words, GM’s new contract includes a “just shoot me now” tick box at the bottom.

Sell more vehicles? The fact that GM’s market share has been on a downwards trajectory since the last century (news flash: the company is now bankrupt) should tell the corporate mothership a little something about how easy it is to sell GM vehicles these days. Hang on; shouldn’t GM make better products before they “force” dealers to sell more cars?

By the same token, what’s with the dealership upgrades? GM stores are hurting for cash. Wait, let me guess. The feds are going to provide loans (or loan guarantees) so that GM dealers can put Ford, Toyota, Honda, Hyundai, etc. dealerships to shame. Because Uncle Sam believes that rewarding losers is really just “leveling the playing field,” and when it comes to debt, more is always better. Meanwhile, pay no attention to that $1 million per dealer HUMMER upgrade fiasco. That was then. This is crazy.

As for the mandate to “maintain” consumer satisfaction scores (a.k.a. CSI), it’s Big Mac time. They CANNOT be serious. GM’s CSI scores have been a complete sham since they were first foisted upon their retail operations. I’ve got two words for anyone who thinks otherwise: Bill Heard. And another two: blind eye.

If GM was actively trying to screw-up its future, they couldn’t do it more effectively than they are right now. Saying that, I have every confidence that GM will somehow find a way. Let Barney Frank fuck with your plant closing plans? Sure! Piss away resources on a new green car that can’t compete with Toyota’s last generation hybrid? To paraphrase Albert Einstein, “employing the same people to do different things is the definition of eternal insolvency.”

Meanwhile, remember Fritz Henderson’s pledge to We The People promising transparency as it “reinvents” itself to repay our hard-earned tax money? How’s this for opaque: dealers are prohibited from discussing the agreement with anyone other than employees or business partners without GM’s expressed written consent.

Dead automaker walking.