Dave: “The Volt has a range of forty miles. That’ll get you down the driveway and back.”

Elon: “Yeah.”

Discuss.

Chrysler’s logo should have been a bottle of Lithium, rather than the Pentastar. It suffered from severe Bipolar syndrome all its life, and sadly, died from it, at its own hands. Like many suicidal Bipolars (Van Gogh, Hemingway, Virgina Woolf), Chrysler’s many crashes and acts of self-mutilation were punctuated by fantastic highs of brilliant engineering, design and creativity. Chrysler has taken us on quite the roller coaster ride. And now it’s over. as we stumble out of our (hemi powered) coaster car, we’re left with an intense mixture of relief, thrill, and sadness.

Well, the fat lady done sung. Only it was a thin president who ended TTAC’s Chrysler Suicide Watch. Lucky for us (if no one else), the Prez also promised to keep the dead automaker alive, through a fresh injection of federal funds. Obama didn’t specify the price tag for this zombification, but the bidding starts with the familiar “b” word, and octo-mom would recognize the number. As you know, Obama justified his ongoing intervention in Chrysler’s journey to liquidation by pimping the un-dead (now dead) American automaker to Italy’s own automotive English patient. So it’s time to get on with the business of tearing the Fiat “merger” idea to shreds. In this unenviable (but gainful) task, I’m aided by Jennifer Clark of the Dow Jones News Service. Jenny’s Chrysler-on-the-block piece arrives under the odd title “Chrysler Chapter 11 Filing May Aid Fiat Turnaround.” Go figure.

Fiat’s explanation of its deal with Chrysler states, “Pending (the transactions) approval, the current Chrysler will continue its normal business operations and the US Treasury and the Canadian government will provide the company with financing in order to allow the performance of all its obligations towards the employees and to fund its on-going needs.” But according to The Detroit Bureau, this isn’t the case. “During the bankruptcy proceedings, which are expected to last from 30 to 60 days, most of its manufacturing facilities will be closed. It is only when the New Chrysler emerges from bankruptcy that production will gradually resume. Workers will be eligible for supplemental unemployment benefits, worth about 80% of pay. Some additional plant closings are anticipated.” Which means either The Detroit Bureau has its facts wrong, or Fiat does. And if Fiat is wrong and Chrysler will halt operations during bankruptcy, what does Auburn Hills need $3.5 billion in government DIP financing for?

Meanwhile, in Europe, Chrysler gets a yawn, but all eyes are on Opel. Who, when, with whom? Fiat’s entreaties received a loud “NEIN!” from all colors of the German spectrum. The current darling appears to be Magna: Closer to home, Austrian, just like Porsche, not Chinese, politically well-connected.

The Austrian-Canadian car parts maker and contract manufacturer Magna has presented a “rough outline of a rival offer to seize control of General Motors’ Opel unit ahead of Italy’s Fiat” to German Economy Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg, Reuters reports. Fiat and Magna had a sit-down with the Minister. After the meeting, Guttenberg said Magna’s concept was “interesting.” He then pulled out a broken record and announced that the German government needs more facts and figures from GM. They’ve been saying this for months, and apparently feel ignored. Guttenberg said this wait “is tiring.” Further in the rope-a-dope dept., the US government also owes Germany some facts and figures. Once in hand, Guttenberg would then be ready “to think about loan guarantees.”

Ever the politician, Guttenberg said the concepts from Magna and Fiat were very different from each other, but were the most substantial plans he had seen so far from potential investors.
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Also from Fiat’s official announcement today (via Financial Post)

The transaction will be implemented through an expedited sale of substantially all the assets of Chrysler to a NewCo pursuant to certain provisions of the US Bankruptcy Code. After intense consultations with the US Treasury and all the other constituencies, including, the government of Canada, the United Auto Workers (UAW) and the Canadian Auto Workers (CAW), Chrysler elected such route as the most effective to restructure its debt. As a consequence, today Chrysler will request the bankruptcy court in New York to approve the sale of Chrysler’s business to a NewCo. Subject to the approval of the regulatory authorities, if the Court will approve the Transaction it will require the parties to complete the transaction as soon as possible.

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“This transaction represents a constructive and important solution to the problems that have plagued not just Chrysler in recent years, but the global automotive industry as a whole. Bringing together Fiat’s world-class technology, platforms and power-trains for small and medium sized cars, and its extensive distribution network in Latin America and Europe with Chrysler’s rich heritage, strong North American presence and talented and dedicated workforce will create a powerful new automotive company, while helping preserve jobs and a manufacturing industry that is critically important to the U.S. and Canadian economies.”

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“Chrysler’s bankruptcy,” according to President Obama’s statement today, “is not a sign of weakness.” The goal is not to radically restructure the business of a firm that has been failing for decades and currently makes some of the least desirable vehicles on the market. No, for Obama and his task force, this is about going after evil speculators. After lauding the noble sacrifices of the UAW (which will own 55 percent of New New Chrysler), JP Morgan (recipient of $25 billion in TARP funds) and Daimler (who raped Chrysler in the first place), Obama glowers at the mean, nasty speculators who are “forcing” Chrysler into bankruptcy. “In particular,” explains Obama, “a group of investment firms and hedge funds decided to hold out for the prospect of an unjustified taxpayer-funded bailout. They were hoping that everybody else would make sacrifices and they would have to make none. Some demanded twice the return that other lenders were getting. I don’t stand with them.” So who are these shadowy money men who just won’t let Chrysler run free of their oppressive debts?

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In his cut-and-paste letter to ex-Chrysler-as-we-knew-it employees, ex-Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli refers his ex-troops to a website set-up to explain just how bad their post C11 situation isn’t. The electronic hand-holding portal—www.chryslerrestructuring.com—offers nothing more than the press release and the letter (which refers to the site that refers to the letter). Slightly more reassurance is available at www.scoopchrysler.com. (I’ll refrain from making any canine scatology comments.) The second site provides workers with a simple C11 Q&A. Those looking for a little truth and reconciliation action are bound to be disappointed, as this answer to “why?” shows: “Companies file for Chapter 11 for a number of reasons, but generally they are seeking to protect their assets while trying to address financial problems – such as excessive debt, insufficient liquidity, unreasonable contractual obligations, and/or unmanageable liabilities. The process also is sometimes used by companies to sell assets free and clear of any obligations.” “Unreasonable contractual obligations.” How . . . reassuring.