There I was, minding my own business on the Internet, when HUMMER sauntered up and threw me against a locker. “Alpha stole your virtual girlfriend. And your real one,” grumbled the ever-subtle brand’s banner ad. Okay, HUMMER, I’ll bite (so to speak). Who’s Alpha, what’s he got that I haven’t? And— most importantly— how is this going to delay the inevitable fizzling of your fifteen minutes?
My questions were answered two weeks later at a ride-and-drive in Southern California. There I was, strolling through the SUV staging area, when Alpha struck again. “Gahh! The glare!” Shielding my eyes against a blinding sun-on-chrome conflagration, I winced to make out the telltale Alpha badge, applied to a suspiciously bling-encrusted H3. Hang on. A glammed-up H3? This is what’s got HUMMER’s ad men revving-up their bollock-swinging routine?
Well, erm… yes. But what HUMMER’s particularly pumped about is Alpha’s 5.3-liter, 300hp V8, borrowed from GM’s full-sized pickups. Like an under-endowed divorcee's post-surgical-enhancement, this H3, freed of its flaccid five-cylinder powerplant, has something to prove. Thing is, most women I know are turned off by insecurity. Which makes me wonder what my virtual girlfriend saw in Alpha in the first place.
To be honest, I’m a little unclear on exactly what a virtual girlfriend is (anyone know?). This being a HUMMER, though, styling seems the most likely explanation for unfaithfulness. Females account for nearly half of all remaining H3 sales; there’s no denying the wee war wagon’s considerable road presence. The H3 shouts for attention with only slightly more decorum than Don Imus on PCP, but if the point is to cut a dash outside Designer Handbags Inc., then— in the words of the Prez— “mission accomplished.”
Unfortunately, like G-Bu’s premature announcement of Mesopotamian mastery, the H3 lacks substance in details. The hulking hood vent is a blanked-off fake. So are the A-pillar “snorkel” intakes. The chromed step bars protrude far enough to soil your pant leg, but not enough to assist entry. Want a roof rack for all the “active-lifestyle” gear you may or may not be toting? Hit the options list.
Never mind. Any virtual girlfriend worth virtually stealing knows what really counts is on the inside. So hoist yourself aboard and lose yourself in GM’s G.I. Joe fantasy land. A square, upright windshield frames the H3’s square, upright hood. Tiny windows rise to chin height, leaving thigh-width roof pillars to blot out the sun. A hatch-mounted spare obscures trailing plebes. Visibility? Hey, it’s not like everyone won’t see you. There’s also a big chrome “Alpha” badge on the steering wheel boss. You know, in case you forget how awesome you are.
But even here, towering above the commuters, the H3’s shallowness of character chips away at the escapism. You’ve seen these window switches and HVAC knobs before— in rental cars. On the positive side, the cabin’s squishy, grained plastics are indicative of GM’s recent efforts to increase quality, and would seem quite posh at some price points. But… ahem… you haven’t seen the price yet.
It’s $39,560. As in, near-as-dammit $40,000. Which means you could buy a Cadillac SRX V6 AWD instead, pocket $435, and rent a few Jeeps to get your off-road jollies. Or treat yourself to an all-wheel-drive Lexus RX 350 and put $760 in the adventure fund. Granted, brand devotees may happily pay a premium to own a part of the HUMMER mystique. But given the $8,565 leap over a base H3, even they might be miffed that the sticker doesn’t include a sunroof ($950), a rearview camera ($850), or DVD entertainment ($1,928).
There a few other essential features missing in the Alpha dog of the H3 range. One is interior space. While the HUMMER’s height and bulk lend it a certain psychological roominess, the tape measure reveals less legroom at the con than a Chevy Cobalt. Move around back, carefully negotiating the narrow door openings, and you’ll find economy-class knee room on a squashy, too-low rear bench. The cargo area is similarly compact, accessed through an awkwardly heavy side-hinged hatch.
“But wait,” fans protest. “You haven’t even mentioned the Alpha’s trump card.” Ah, yes: the all-beef V8. The Vortec’s a smooth talker, that’s for sure. Its deep burble fits the H3’s character far better than the bronchitic braying of the base five. And 0 – 60 improves to minivan-grade: 8.9 seconds. Otherwise, the Alpha’s dynamics are a rerun. Same hefty but numb steering, same rubbery ride, same squidgy path control you’ll find in any heavy vehicle with very tall sidewalls.
The truth is, girlfriends— virtual or otherwise— tend to trade in characters like Alpha pretty fast. His clothes are too loud. He drinks too much. And he doesn’t give her enough space. Sorry, Alpha. I strongly suspect that, when the five-year reunion rolls around in 2011, you and your big brothers won’t be joining us.
69 Comments on “2008 HUMMER H3 Alpha Review...”
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HUMMER mystique? The only mystique is whether these make a better boat anchor than a Yukon.
I’m mystified as to why GM builds this vehicle.
I strongly suspect that, when the five-year reunion rolls around in 2011, you and your big brothers won’t be joining us.
…unless of course, GM (or Hummer’s potential new owners) find a way to make them more fuel efficient. Diesels anyone?
Great review as always. The H3 needed a V8, yesterday but it’s too little too late. I noticed that no MPG figures were stated but hey, everyone KNOWS this things fuel efficiency (!?) is horrible, even with the base five pot engine.
The day my virtual g/f starts liking this beast, is the day I throw her stuff out.
gs650g: You want to know why the Hummer exists. For 60 years jeep has made lot’s of money trading on tough trail rated four wheel drives. Hummer, for a short time actually eclipsed the jeep image and began to tilt the profits towards the General. Had the $2.00 gas continued, much money was to be made on these above described image pieces. It must be bitter irony that GM entered this game in the 9th inning, and it is now 2 away with the home team at bat. Neither Jeep or Hummer will continue to make the money that was there in the very recent past. You want to know the biggest individual losers? How about the Hummer dealers who agreed to spend over 2 Million dollars a copy for a tough quonset hut showroom to showcase the image pieces. Where I come from nested next to the Hummers are the Cadillacs in the hut. GM had to relent and let dealers who had other GM franchises use the building for something. If a dealer was Hummer only, hope he was using the money from his wife’s trust fund, not bank financing.
GS650G Says:
I’m mystified as to why GM builds this vehicle.
It’s all because of Arnold, of course. No other reason.
Nice comment, Jerry. I personally fault GM most for having these dealers spend millions to build those dealerships, only to pull the rug out from under them.
I drove the Alpha a year or so ago. The V8 certainly helps. But it would help even more if the transmission had six ratios rather than four. Even the five comes with a five-speed automatic.
The interior is quite cushy if you’re comparing the H3 to a Wrangler.
Reliability of the five-cylinder 2006s used to be worse than average, but as they age they’re drawing close to the average.
No results for the 2007 or 2008; need more participants for those years.
http://www.truedelta.com/reliability.php
H3 Alpha V8 is good news to me, since the V8 is supposed to show up in the Chevy Colorado, on which the H3 underpinnings are based. Of course, two years have passed since I’ve been anticipating a V8 Colorado. Things are looking much more G8-ish these days.
A friend of mine got an H3 for his wife, as the stereotype goes. We went offroad one (1) time and the I5 engine let us down. The H3 has far more traction than power with that little mill!
Well, at the engine is good piece. I loathe HUMMERS but to each his own. This brand is going blow apart like the roof of Nakatomi, except it isn’t Hans who is going to be responsible.
I was driving though northnern IN the other day, and I saw a Hummer dealership advertising 50% off new, unsold ’07s.
Now that’s desperation!
Sorry…uh… no. This is a pure MILF mobile.
I was driving though northnern IN the other day, and I saw a Hummer dealership advertising 50% off new, unsold ’07s.
If I see that in Texas, I’ll buy one in a heartbeat.
I happen to like the Hummers, especially the H3. I think it’s unfortunate that so many people buy them and will never get them dirty, but that’s not a knock on the vehicle. If that were the way to judge automobiles, then the Corvette is just as bad. I rarely see Corvettes being used to their potential.
There’s a (non-alpha) H3 parked in one of my company’s “visitors” spots.
A lotta bling on that vehicle, but the thing I loved is that the huge fuel-filler cover looks a lot like a chromed bank vault door — no coincidence that the contents are becoming very precious.
The hulking hood vent is a blanked-off fake. So are the A-pillar “snorkel” intakes.
I’m sorry, but why would anybody in their right mind want fake snorkel intakes on the A-pillars? Oh, wait, I think I just answered my own question.
Certain people have this attitude towards hummer. Its more of an image truck, not that real of an off roader. But hey, what production vehicle is. If people want to pay 40 large for this image, let them knock themselves out. I would not pay 40 large for many vehicles including the Caddy suv or of all things the Lexus suv. Truth is, its no different from any other full size SUV (ie.durango, tahoe, suburban, sequioa). Everyone just hates Hummer. I guess perception is reality. Personally, for what it is, I would go for a suburban for the unrivaled passenger comfort, towing ability, fuel economy, safety and reliability. But, cut these people some slack. Some people care a lot more about image than passenger space. What’s wrong with that? Its their money. Why would you buy a Caddy SUV or a Lexus SUV when you can have a suburban? I don’t care very much about some obscure knob being squishy or whatever. And, I don’t care too much if the vehicle has a back up camera or a nav system. I certainly would not pay for it. Its just what you want, and you would be untruthful if thought image played no role.
I have never understood the point of the H3. The entire point of the Hummer brand is for the owner to be able to say 2 things:
1) My car is bigger than yours
2) I have more money than you
Introducing a car that is cheaper and smaller goes against everything the brand stood for. I actually think that the H3 has more to do with the demise of the Hummer brand than the price of gas. Who in their right mind would buy an H2 to show off when everybody and their mother can afford an H3?
TexasAg03 Says: I happen to like the Hummers, especially the H3. I think it’s unfortunate that so many people buy them and will never get them dirty, but that’s not a knock on the vehicle. If that were the way to judge automobiles, then the Corvette is just as bad. I rarely see Corvettes being used to their potential.
good comment…
same could be said about lots of other things – ie: 99.9% of all sports sedans on the road…
“The hulking hood vent is a blanked-off fake. So are the A-pillar “snorkel” intakes.”
I don’t know if to laugh or to cry. Fake snorkels? I mean… Come on? Is this for real, or do they actually make this shit up? Oh my fucking god… I don’t know where to start. Fake snorkels? I have to say it again: Fake snorkels!
Call me crazy or say whatever you want but were I in the market for an SUV or still lived in the Midwest where we routinely got buried under a foot of snow I would be happy to own one of these. In fact I had a lifted Jeep that I enjoyed driving every winter (and basically sat each summer) in the snow or hazardous weather conditions.
I’ve always liked HUMMER styling and heritage just as I love unique Jeep styling and heritage. I think these brands offer a bit more authentic a 4×4 experience and image than your run of the mill Chevy, Ford, Honda, Toyota (except maybe the FJ Cruiser) truck. For me styling and real capability count for quite a bit in this type of vehicle and the H3 has it in spades. In fact it was recently FOUR WHEELER’s four-wheeler of the year after they pounded the crap out of one.
GM’s bungling of HUMMER and turning tail is really quite sad as the brand is probably the strongest and most unique they have. Perhaps if GM wasn’t stuffing all the rest of their brands with numerous trucks, crossovers and SUVs there wouldn’t be concerns about HUMMER’s future.
It’s a big missed opportunity but maybe someone will buy the brand who can return it to the glory it deserves and grow it in other markets as well as continue to serve the marke there.
Or maybe not.
Someone please shoot this lame donkey please. Lame as in fake intakes, fake snorkles, and BLING!
I’m a little unclear on exactly what a virtual girlfriend is (anyone know?).
In my case, Jessica Canizales…
The Alpha has the honor of being the tallest vehicle I’ve ever sat in and still felt like I was sitting on the floor. In the backseat I was practically in a fetal position.
The thing was $43,000. How anyone could spend 43 grand on something with less interior space than an Impreza is a testament to how successfully the brand has marketed itself….to moms.
The Hummer line’s styling is saying a perpetual “F you” at the world around it.
That’s partly what it’s hated.
(The other part is that it sucks as a vehicle)
I’d like to buy an H3 but I won’t likely be able to afford one till 2013 or so. I wouldn’t be my only vehicle. Love the styling and it is good off road.
The review and the comments are so good on this it is hard to know whee to start.
Need vs. Want: In that area, I’ll say to each is own unless you put me in danger. There was a great Simpsons where Marge gets a really big SUV and becomes a really agressive driver.
Alpha Male: If the Hummer was confortable, had easy cargo loading etc etc I guess I could see it. If you “need” a Suburban buy one. This is just IMHO silly. I expect Mr. T to get out of it. Aren’t you a little old to be playing soilder? I was with a woman from the office and a H1 passed us, her comment “I bet he has a really small” — well you know the stereotype.
USING THE CARS POTENTIAL: Driving a 06 Miata (Chick car so I’ll never fall into the above catagory right) I some times wish it had more power for the rare day when I want to zoom pst all the other cars. But when I floor it do I have enough power to merge, pass etc? Yes so more than that is, in a way, ego. Nothing wrong with that mind you. If they made a turbo version tomorrow I’d trade it in for one knowing I don’t need it.
IF YOU DON’T NEED A TRUCK: The more beautiful, understated and sleek the better – IMHO
There’s a sucker born every minute. What a POS.
@Steve_K: …We went offroad one (1) time and the I5 engine let us down. The H3 has far more traction than power with that little mill!
Steve, That’s not the H3′s fault, that’s the driver’s fault. My 100HP 4cyl ’89 Toyota on 33″ tires never gets stuck because of the engine, just lack of driver skill. Off-roading doesn’t require big engines, just a good driver who knows where to put the truck.
I’m sorry, but this thing does 0-60 in 8.9 seconds AFTER the 300 hp V8 is installed?
That’s horrific!
Then again that won’t matter to the MILFs and kept women likely to be found behind the wheel of this boulevardier with their fake tans, big hair, and permanently attached cell-phones.
Wow! This is AMAZING! They’ve finally done it! Interior space, price, fuel economy, acceleration, off-road performance… There are better performers than this vehicle in absolutely everything you could ever want to do with a car! AND any combination thereof! It’s a total shutout!
Well…unless we’re considering ‘hacking off your fellow driver,’ of course.
I thought the H3 5-banger’s claim to fame was it’s fuel economy.
Like everything else GM seems to be doing, to little too late.
I’d like to buy an H3 but I won’t likely be able to afford one till 2013 or so.
Oh yeah? If things keep going the way they are, in a few years this will be worth sweet f a. Gas swilling vehicles that happen to be complete and utter dogs depreciate furiously.
I have never understood the point of the H3. The entire point of the Hummer brand is for the owner to be able to say 2 things:
1) My car is bigger than yours
2) I have more money than you
That’s true for some, if not most, owners. However, I know people who do take their Hummers off road. These are capable vehicles, especially the H3.
Outside of the Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic (or Fit), anything else is overkill for almost everyone. Just because people don’t use the full capabilities of a vehicle doesn’t make it bad.
What percentage of time should a Hummer be used off road to be an appropriate choice?
What percentage of time should a Corvette be used on a track to be an appropriate choice?
What percentage of time should an Odyssey be fully occupied to be an appropriate choice?
While some of the H3′s shortcomings are true (ie fuel economy and interior space), the fact is that as a midsize 4-door SUV it has NO EQUAL in off-road performance stock from the factory. Not even the venerable Rubicon 4-door can be had with 33in tires and a V8 out the door. Plus, Rubicon’s got another 4 inches of wheelbase over the H3 making for a worse stock breakover angle. I’m a Jeep fan, but the H3 (with the adventure package) also has much better water fording capability than even lifted Wranglers. I once watched 3 H3′s drop into a 4 foot deep trench with water coming over the cowl drive out the other side unscathed while a lifted Wrangler hydrolocked. For a fair and balanced opinion, we should take all the facts into account, and usually when it comes to Hummer, the discussion quickly devolves into a lopsided bashfest. Could it do without the bling? YOU BET! Should it be more fuel efficient by a few MPGS? ABSOLUTELY! Should the transmission have two more cogs? NO QUESTION! But did they do some things right when it comes to actual off-road credentials? With stock front and rear lockers, 33′s and pretty robust underpinnings, I’d have to say yes.
BTW, the H3 underpinnings are modified such that they are about 85% different from a Colorado. It is essentially it’s own architecture.
From another article: “This is not the time for niche vehicles,” Maximum Bob told the world yesterday. Well, at least he is on track. Right.
With stock front and rear lockers…
According to the Hummer site, the H3 does not offer a front locker in either the 5 cylinder or the Alpha version. The H3T does, but not the H3.
Gleetroit: While some of the H3’s shortcomings are true (ie fuel economy and interior space), the fact is that as a midsize 4-door SUV it has NO EQUAL in off-road performance stock from the factory.
What? not even a Toyota FJ cruiser? (nevermind, it’s not a 4-door)
I don’t doubt its off-road prowess, but I don’t think that it’s unparalleled, especially since it has an independent front suspension.
Jeep Unlimited Rubicon has a solid front axle and sway bar disconnect which make for better axle articulation. I don’t know about the water fording, but I did see a H3 hydrolock last weekend where a slightly-lifted 2nd gen 4runner just went right through the same spot. So, I guess there’s a lot to be said about who’s driving rather than what kind of vehicle they’re driving.
BTW, wasn’t there a turbo option (or at least a kit) for the 1st gen H3′s 5-banger?
Given that the 5-cylinder in base trim benches EPA figures of 13/18, you might as well go for the V8 with 13/16.
Shouldn’t the “alpha” version at least have an optional stick-shift transmission?
I can’t figure out why this review is three stars. it reads like two at most.
So when will they release the Beta version? I hope the Final fixes the glitches of this pre-release.
TexasAg03: According to the Hummer site, the H3 does not offer a front locker in either the 5 cylinder or the Alpha version. The H3T does, but not the H3.
Trust me. It does.
And I’d be willing to bet they’d be damn happy (and lucky) to get it, too.
Hummers remind me of a poor-man’s (or maybe not so poor) Lamborghini LM002 ‘Rambo’, that old, ungodly expensive, squared-off, V12-powered, SUV-like ‘tank’ built from 1986 to 1993 that was really only suited for wealthy oil sheaks that needed something to race around in the desert, primarily because you needed to have your own private oil supply to keep the things in fuel (fuel mileage of the LM002 was easily in the single digits).
Fuel mileage in H3 Hummers isn’t quite that bad but in this era of $4/gal gas, fuel mileage in the the low teens is still a model killer in anyone’s book, even for those with LM002 dreams.
great write up . . . though a little scant on some of the particulars potential buyers might be interested in, it definitely reveals the truth about those potential buyer’s shortcomings.
i was originally happy for HUMMER that they were going to build a “smaller” vehicle when i first heard of the H3 years ago. then, i was irritated that they stuck a crappy engine in a HUMMER. when i heard about the new V8, i was glad they were rectifying their main fault. now, seeing the bling-tastic alpha, i can only scoff at the ridiculous customers of the new H3.
on a side-note however, this is probably a good marketing move. they’ll sell more alphas to a designer urban crowd wanting to be seen by doing this than they would have sold to the hardcore adventure crew had they really made it an ultimate jeep.
shortthrowsixspeed : though a little scant on some of the particulars potential buyers might be interested in, it definitely reveals the truth about those potential buyer’s shortcomings.
P.J. McCombs : Females account for nearly half of all remaining H3 sales.
And Freud said that some women suffered from what kind of envy?
Man, its amazing how this is such a hated vehicle. Makes me want to get one to piss everyone off. It rivals the minivan in how it really upsets people. I’d get the H2 though, because its bigger.
I understand fake leather and fake wood. Those are desirable things that cost extra. The fakes function the same as the originals.
I have never understood fake hood bulges, and really don’t get fake holes in a car. Either phony intakes, or snorkels.
Seriously, if you had any chance of holding on to any brand value, it was lost with the fake snorkels.
Don’t fake something that is aesthetically undesirable. They are surely clueless.
I thought about doing the same thing. The Hummer is such a polarizing vehicle because the marketing so clearly defines the target demographic as, well, general A-holes. People who drive around in Hummers are making a statement that not only are they indifferent to the environment, but to everyone else around them, as well, and actually seem to be proud of their status as being despised by the rest of the motorists on the highway.
It’s not too far from the opinion many people have of BMW drivers, the main difference being that BMWs are quite capable of performance above that of most other vehicles. Hummers just kind of get in the way.
I plan on running over puppies and kittens in my Hummer. :)
Does anybody else find these types of vehicles extremely uninteresting?
If you mean pimped up SUV’s, then yes, I find them uninteresting. The point of an SUV was supposed to be it’s “utility”. Even if you bought one for image, you would still want the utility wouldn’t you? Otherwise, the image was ruined.
I’m generally not a big fan of fake anything.
I once watched 3 H3’s drop into a 4 foot deep trench with water coming over the cowl drive out the other side unscathed while a lifted Wrangler hydrolocked.
How is that possible with FAKE snorkels? Or, was it a 4 foot deep trench with one foot of water and the water was splashed over the cowl?
I don’t care if somebody wants to buy any Hummer variant, and I don’t think it is accurate to suggest Hummer owners are less endowed than Prius owners. However, I defy any of the people defending the Hummer to justify fake snorkels. I mean, that is just plain stupid.
It doesn’t bother me when someone owns a Hummer. But it just so happens that they’re really lousy vehicles, and their drivers tend to drive and park like assholes. Plus, they’re godawful ugly.
Where do all of these motor heads go with their oversized 4WD? I live in a rural area in upstate Pa. You can’t drive even atv’s on State game land. Farmers aren’t going to let you tear up their fields. Dirt roads are improved enough that any two wheel drive vehicle can negotiate them. The local fair has an annual mud bod, where a bunch of large raised pickups come and dual it out. Is this the venue for the large SUV? My wife’s family has a 300 acre farm and my not that small Nissan Xterra can easily drive the unplowed fields, but the woods, not a chance. I am too wide for old logging roads that are now half grown shut. Even the side by side ATV’s won’t fit, you need a quad to get through. So why do I need a bigger SUV? Mayve my next one would be smaller an H5 perhaps?