By on April 19, 2006

 The new Cadillac Escalade is a mission critical machine. It's one of the few remaining General Motors products whose sales don't depend on Mexican-sized kickbacks and/or a Day-Glo "Closing Down, Everything Must Go" sticker on the windshield. What's more, as a badge-engineered Chevrolet Tahoe, it's only slightly more expensive to build than a Chevrolet Tahoe. In other words, the 'Slade's is a cash cow on factory double dubs, trying to keep it real for GM's ten point six billion dollar man, Rabid Rick Wagoner; know what I mean? No? Let me spell it out for you: if the 'Slade ain't da bomb, it's a nail in the General's coffin. Well guess what? RIP.

Clock those side vents. At the precise moment when Caddy's luxury SUV should swagger into town with unabashed American style, the 'Slade arrives with its main design cue "borrowed" from Land Rover's Range Rover Sport. While the cynical amongst you might assert that the Escalade's target market is no more likely to connect the two vehicles than smoke crack and drive (as if), the fact remains: the porthole plagiarism betrays a staggering lack of confidence and originality. Of course, badge engineering a Chevrolet Tahoe betrays a staggering lack of confidence and originality, but, um… where was I? Something about the enormous gap in the SUV's wheel arches making the 'Slade look like a punk ass bitch? No… that wasn't it. Or was it?

 Meanwhile, in the rush to market, someone at GM forgot to give their "new" SUV an independent rear suspension. (Doh!) So here we have, once again, a nearasdammit seventeen foot truck that can only accommodate four passengers in anything like comfort. Not to put too fine a point on it, asking three pro-football players to find a place in the second row would be an invitation to a brawl, and even the most heinous Charles Dickens' villain would think twice about strapping a small child into the Escalade's claustrophobic, flat-floored third row. And if a 'Slade driver dared carry a full manifest of miserable human cargo, there's be no room left for anything other than a small assembly of pocket-sized torture devices.

At least the build quality sucks. No really. The Escalade seems specifically constructed to give ammunition to those carless, dealerphobic, stock-shorting curmudgeons who dare call GM's best efforts "90%" vehicles. The ashtray unfolds gracefully, triggered by the world's flimsiest metal catch. The pedals move, but not the steering wheel. The plastics look soft, but feel like fossilized elephant dung. The chairs squish reassuringly, but offer as much lateral support as a Ziploc bag. Everywhere you look there are examples of NQE (Not Quite Engineering), constantly reminding you that there's $10k profit in this machine that could have been spent on, well, you. Or, if you prefer, telling you to go and buy a virtually identical high-spec Tahoe.

 Of course, then you'd miss out on the bigger engine. And? Despite cranking-out 403hp and 417 ft.-lbs. of twist, despite an endlessly raucous engine note, the Escalade's 6.2-liter pushrod powerplant is no match for mega-mass and a mileage-seeking six-speed gearbox. Floor it and… wait. Yes, it'll kick down and go properly when prodded, but there's no excuse for a cramped vehicle that gets single digit mileage feeling slow, as well. And even with computer-controlled real-time damping, the 'Slade never lets you forget its ladder-frame underpinnings. Not that it doesn't try: the astoundingly over-assisted steering requires sufficient concentration to distract you from any other dynamic concerns.

On the positive side, the 'Slade's 13" ventilated disc brakes are superb, offering plenty of feel, lots of power and only the slightest whiff of burned rubber. And the Stabilitrak system keeps the beast flat and level through the twisties– even if understeer arrives unfashionably early and the seats do nothing to keep you from hip-checking the door or any beverages unfortunate enough to sit in the cupholder. And hey! It's better than the last model.

 But not nearly good enough to restore GM's lost luster. In fact, the Cadillac Escalade pisses me off. This was the perfect opportunity for GM to give the middle finger to critics like me who constantly slag GM's products for being perennial also-rans: vehicles that are a full model cycle behind the class-leaders. If this $60k-and-up SUV had crushed the competition, if the Cadillac Escalade had set a new standard for luxury SUV's that even Audi's new Q7 couldn't top, it wouldn't even matter if the Escalade sold well. That SUV would have been an automotive line in the sand for GM's current stewards. As it stands, the Escalade is nothing but a feeble attempt to tread water, even as the sharks start to get chummy with The General.

Get the latest TTAC e-Newsletter!

2 Comments on “Cadillac Escalade Review...”

  • avatar
    Lamar Cole

    Some love relationships can be like driving a Cadillac. A real smooth ride.

  • avatar
    Mr. Gray

    This thing costs over $60,000.00? Well, I guess you can’t prove you’re the biggest pimp in the ghetto unless your ride is suspiciously expensive. Fo-shizzle, use your gang-bangin’ lettuce to buy a set of twenty-fo’s, and the bitches and hos will come flockin’, kna-mean, son?

    Why would you want a 400hp engine in a vehicle that would be dangerous to drive fast or corner agressively? All that does is waste fuel. Oh yeah, and also impress tha shorties.

Back to TopLeave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Recent Comments

  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    NoGoYo - One of my dream vehicles is a Cummins powered IH Scout on 38s. I’d like to go twin turbo 4BT but 4BTs are getting expensive…
  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    krhodes1 - Same here – these are soccermom mobiles. I very rarely EVER see one towing anything, and I live in serious weekend boater country. People tow with pickups.
  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    krhodes1 - I can’t see it as much of a gamble – the hard and expensive parts are done. These are just full-size pickup frames with a stationwagony body slapped on them. How...
  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    rpol35 - http://www.thetruthaboutcars.c om/2016/02/full-size-suvs-aren t-taking-part-suv-boom/ Interesting story and timing about FCA’s direction considering this TTAC post from...
  • Re: No Fixed Abode: Planes, Trains, Ubers, Taxis, And Supercars

    olddavid - Maybe Iceberg Slim or the Continental Op? Dash Hammett will weigh in, after the HUAC hearings.
  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    mason - My favorite conversion I ever did was an 88 Ram Charger with an early VE powered 6bt Cummins/NV4500. I had 35’s on it, and even with the extra weight it was a real hill...
  • Re: Ramcharger Rebirth

    NoGoYo - That’s because it’s a Trailduster!
  • Re: Inside Stories From the War Between Automakers And Dealers Over Exports

    krhodes1 - Out of curiosity, how does paying off the lease avoid sales tax in California? Wouldn’t you pay the sales tax on...
  • Re: Inside Stories From the War Between Automakers And Dealers Over Exports

    FBS - What’s the idea behind allowing that sales tax loophole for leases in the first place? Texas is pretty aggressive about...
  • Re: Reader Review: 2013 BMW 128i M-Sport

    ajla - The N20 is toast after 4600 RPM. If you never go up that high, then it won’t matter. The 328i Aero isn’t a bad car, but it isn’t going to...

New Car Research

Get a Free Dealer Quote


  • Contributing Writers

  • Bark M., United States
  • Chris Tonn, United States
  • Bozi Tatarevic, United States
  • Vojta Dobes, Czech Republic

Get No-holds-barred, take-no-prisoners Automotive News in your Facebook Feed!

Already Liked