If you're visiting the Detroit auto show, do me a favor. Go to the GM stand, find the new Chevrolet Tahoe Dual-Mode Hybrid SUV and ask the moto-bouncer to pop the hood. See if the thing's got a hybrid engine. (Ignore the engine cover; a few months ago, GM put a fake plastic cover over a pushrod powereplant to convince AutoWeek they were driving a hybrid prototype.) If The Man refuses to accommodate your request, try to decide if he's hiding something. Either way, let me know. 'Cause I'm beginning to think that Buickman is on to something…

If you don't know Buickman (a.k.a. Jim Dollinger), it's not for lack of trying. Since '94, the Michigan car salesman has dedicated his life to promoting his "Return to Greatness" recovery plan. He's brought his campaign to salesmen, customers, stockholders, board members, union members, dealers, the press, the web (www.generalwatch.com); anyone and everyone who'll give him the time of day. Now that GM faces the final curtain, Buickman has pretty much given-up on his quixotic quest and transformed himself into a whistle blower, or, if you prefer, a professional thorn in the side of GM's masters. Less charitably, Buickman is now a full-blown GM conspiracy theorist.

I don't want to be the one to throw cold water on Detroit's billion dollar beauty pageant, but someone's got to do it. The workers' demonstration outside Cobo Center turned out to be a damp squib (probably because the workers in question enjoy a union contract that guarantees them job security, a comfortable salary and comprehensive health care). The mainstream automotive press isn't about to bite the hand that RSS feeds. So I'll step into the breach with a simple statement: the last thing Detroit needs right now is a bunch of new cars.

Once upon a time, the Detroit auto show was The Detroit Auto Show, not some gussied-up international flying circus. Carmakers showed off wild, inherently stupid concept cars that would never, EVER be built and the latest update to their showroom models. And then everyone headed off to open bars and hooker-laden hospitality suites to do what comes natural to middle-aged white men. Now the suits are serious and the web is alive with the sound of clickery, as even industry addicts struggle to keep up with dozens of new models headed for the showrooms. While it's easy to get caught up in the buzz, I'm here to say that all this product overkill will, as the Brits say, end in tears.

Regrets? GM's Vice President of North American Vehicle Sales has had a few. Then again, too few to mention. When quizzed about the wisdom of last summer's Fire Sale for Everyone, Monster Mark LaNeve said "Hindsight being 20/20, I probably wouldn't have done it." Probably? The campaign annihilated The General's fall and winter business and sealed GM's rep as America's largest discount car company. Which LaNeve now vows to fix by ignoring the connection between guilt and change and reanimating the company's short-lived "Total Value Promise" program.

Which is what, exactly? Although LaNeve's past rhetoric qualifies him for a job as the fifth Wiggle, and the specifics of the latest version of the Total Value Promise (TVP) await a Detroit unveiling, Monster Mark's been dropping hints. At the LA car confab, the slightly confessional marketing maven revealed the basics: lower sticker prices and a clear focus on comparative excellence. "We'll say, 'Best product, here's why," LaNeve said. "'Best price on an MSRP basis.'" What's more, "With every new product we bring to market, we'd like to price it very aggressively."

On Wednesday, Ford Motor Company’s freshly-minted Executive Vice President and President of the Americas took center stage at the Greater Los Angeles Auto Show and declared that the customer is king. And there you have it: Ford’s Way Forward. To his credit, Mark Fields admitted (in just about every way imaginable) that Ford has lost its way with American car buyers (in just about every way imaginable). Those of us hoping to hear the wunderkind’s secret recipe for reclaiming faded Glory, for better serving Ford’s collective majesties, were still left wondering if there’s a Ford in our future…

At least Fields’ speech centered on cars. Although Ford continues to enjoy a lengthy and profitable love affair with its truck buyers– the F-series sold more than 901,000 units this year and remains the top selling private vehicle in the U.S.– The House of Henry doesn’t share GM’s desperate faith in a resurgent light truck market. Ford recognizes that its financial salvation depends on reinvigorating its car business. And to get THAT side of the operation back in the black, Fields announced his intention to launch new products with bold, distinctly American designs and a large dose of “innovation”– the salve for all that ails a struggling manufacturer.

On Wednesday, Ford Motor Company's freshly-minted Executive Vice President and President of the Americas took center stage at the Greater Los Angeles Auto Show and declared that the customer is king. And there you have it: Ford's Way Forward. To his credit, Mark Fields admitted (in just about every way imaginable) that Ford has lost its way with American car buyers (in just about every way imaginable). Those of us hoping to hear the wunderkind's secret recipe for reclaiming faded Glory, for better serving Ford's collective majesties, were still left wondering if there's a Ford in our future…

At least Fields' speech centered on cars. Although Ford continues to enjoy a lengthy and profitable love affair with its truck buyers– the F-series sold more than 901,000 units this year and remains the top selling private vehicle in the U.S.– The House of Henry doesn't share GM's desperate faith in a resurgent light truck market. Ford recognizes that its financial salvation depends on reinvigorating its car business. And to get THAT side of the operation back in the black, Fields announced his intention to launch new products with bold, distinctly American designs and a large dose of "innovation"– the salve for all that ails a struggling manufacturer.

Thanks in part to Charles Darwin's theory of evolution, mankind believes everything's gradually getting better. It's a pretty strange kind of optimism, what with killer uptopians like Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin hanging-out in our collective past. But this faith in the eternal sunshine of the spotless future fits in nicely with the whole New Year's thing. As does The Detroit News (DTN) January 1 feature "The Road Ahead." Given the black cloud of bankruptcy hanging over Detroit, writer Bill Vlassic's desire to spread a little holiday cheer with a bit of automotive boosterism is entirely understandable. But there's a big difference between lightening-up and enlightenment.